The 23rd Channel

It leads me in the paths of sex and violence,
For the sponsor's sake.
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,
There will be no interruptions;
For the TV is with me.

It's cable and it's remote control--
They comfort me.
It prepares a commercial before me,
In the presence of my worldliness.
It anoints my head with humanism.
My coveting runneth over.

Surely laziness and ignorance shall follow me
all the days of my life;
And I shall dwell in the house watching TV forever.

Proverbs 31 (For Men)

He spendeth more time at home than on the golf course, bowling alley, or hunting trip. He exerciseth restraint when bicycles and roller skates clutter the driveway. He accepted strawberry jelly kisses and peanut butter hugs with gladness. He fixeth dump trucks and disjointed Barbie dolls with equal skills.

When wife screameth, he runneth to rescue and steppeth on a black spider without ado. He forgetteth not wife's birthday and anniversary. He noticeth wife's new dress, hairdo, shoes and purse, and complimenteth her accordingly. He remembereth her beauty during uncomfortable pregnancies and showeth patience when new baby demandeth her time. Shampoo, rinses, conditioners, assorted combs, curlers, and hair spray leaveth him confused, but he pondereth them all in silence.

He is not the perfectionist that thinketh an unmade bed or unwashed dish indicateth laziness. He hangeth curtains, fixeth faucets, and repaireth steps promptly, and thanketh the Lord that wife naggeth not.

He goeth to ball games and cheereth enthusiastically for son's team whether winning or losing. He patiently endureth piano, clarinet, and violin lessons and sitteth on front row at recital.

When in-laws cometh to visit, he maketh them welcome.

He occasionally goeth shopping with wife and refraineth from grumbling, though lingerie and millinery appealeth to him not, and he secretly hopeth no other male seeth him.

When waiting for wife in car, he resisteth temptation to blow horn; upon departure, he accelerateth at normal speed.

He keepeth temper under control while helping children with modern math and applaudeth grades received, but he comprehendeth them not. He refuseth not to attend Team Fellowship meetings and school Christmas programs.

He bestoweth affection lavishly on wife and children and remembereth to express appreciation verbally. He communicateth freely with wife, doth not pout and sulk during time of disagreement. His strength supporteth family in times of crises, yet he showeth tenderness and compassion. He calmly accepteth wife's bewildering ways, though he may never fully understand her, he loveth her just the same.

Meet him at the door with combed hair, freshly pressed dress and powdered nose. Greet him with a smile, a kiss, and a warm welcome, for he is a priceless treasure.

Letter From Jesus

     As you got up this morning, I watched you and hoped you would talk to me. Even if it was just a few words asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy trying to find the right outfit to wear. When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello... but you were too busy.
     At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do accept sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you looked around. Maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me. That is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn't. That's okay. There is still more time left and I hope that you will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do.
     After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like TV or not; just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything; just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal... but again, you didn't talk to me.
     Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not realize that I am always here for you. I've got patience; more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, a prayer, or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
     Well, you are getting up once again. And once again.... I will wait... with nothing but love for you; hoping that today you will give me some time.
     Have a nice day!

                                   Your friend,
                                    Jesus